What would you do if YOU were Superman?

[JulianPerez]

There was a thread on here a long, long time ago about what everybody here would do if they were Superman.

Most of the posts were interesting and insightful, though it felt sometimes like everybody was trying to one-up each another with good deeds, like "feed the hungry of the world" or "eliminate nuclear weapons," instead of being honest about what we REALLY would do. After all, the question was what you would do if you were Superman, not Miss America.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for bringing hot meals to old people and helping sick kids walk again and all that.

But alas, I'm a far, far weaker and more corruptible man than the unconquerable Superman.

So, here's what I'd do if I were Superman:


1) Bring lingerie models to the Fortress of Solitude, and impress them with the World's Largest Pearl, the metal eating mole, and the lava jacuzzi. And then, when they're totally euphoric about my stuff, casually drop into conversation a phrase like, "You know, one of my superpowers just happens to be...Super-Love" or "Who wants a Super-Backrub?"

2) Use Super-Breath to smoke six or seven cigars at the same time (Superman's sense of taste probably gives him a much more extraordinary appreciation for tobacco)

3) I think I may have hallucinated this, but didn't Superman have a giant 50 foot pinball machine? Or maybe that was in the Batcave? Either way, I'm so playing with that.

4) Jerk around the Phantom Zone criminals. (Hits the white button to release a criminal) "Good news, Kru-El! Looks like you're eligible for parole!" "Bwahahaha! At last, free of this accursed prison!" "Oh, whoops, my bad, looks like I dropped a decimal point or two there from your sentence. See you in a seven-hundred and forty years! Heh heh..." (Hits the black button to send him back)

5) Keep chocolate cookies in the hidden pocket of Superman's cape.

6) Go on a tour of wine country. Which wine country, you ask? ALL of them! Italy, Spain, Northern California, Bordeaux in France. And I'm *SUPERMAN,* so I'd get the VIP treatment, naturally. "Sacre Bleu! C'est monsieur Superman! Bring forth ze finest merlot at once!" Though I'd have to build a robot car to chauffeur me, though, so I don't drink and fly.

7) Take the Metal Eating Mole with me on a leash when I go to the beach. Can you say, "babe magnet?"

Covertly and subtly use heat vision and superbreath in secret to make sure that the New York Knicks never win anything, ever. I'd be long dead of Kryptonite Poisoning before I see that happen!

9) On stress-filled days, give the Bottle City of Kandor a therapeutic shake. "Sorry guys, that must have been a freak earthquake or something, whoa." "At the North Pole? Hey, don't snow job us, Superman! We're an advanced civilization millions of years ahead of Earth for crying out loud! ...Don't make us come out there!"

10) Expose myself to Red Kryptonite for "recreational purposes." Can you think of a better way to spend 24 hours than as a giant frog? Me neither.

11) Finally, if  I can travel the universe from one end to the other - I would spend some time looking for God. Where is he? He must be somewhere in the cosmos, as big as it is. Can I speak to him and get my questions answered? And - because I *am* Superman - can I hold him accountable for his occasional indifference to human beings?



Some things I would NOT do if I was Superman:

Build robots to help protect the earth while I'm away. Seriously, what are the odds those things are going to go psycho and start killing all humans?

Help people move. After all, if my friends grew dependent on me every time they needed a couch moved around, wouldn't I be stifling the eventual destiny of the human race?

I wouldn't get involved in politics, not just because I don't want to discuss my personal political beliefs on this board, but because I don't need the grief from the smear campaigns to end all smear campaigns. My God, can you imagine "Shrunken Kandor Veterans for Truth?" Oy.

Have anything resembling a relationship with Lois Lane. Sure, she's FINE - especially when done by Dave Cockrum. But she's really, really clingy, and see, I don't need that. I'd rehearse that "because of who I am I can never have a wife" speech to the point of memorization.

[RedSunOfKrypton]

Hahaha, thanks JulianPerez, reading that was a great way to start the day.  :lol:

I'll post my list when I'm not so pressed for time. Again, good job.

[Captain Kal]

On one point, canon states you'd be wrong trying to use Superman's powers like that: Smoking.  On at least two occasions, Superman's made it very clear he does not enjoy the smell of smokers.

During Superman's Day of Truth, to memorialize Krypton's hero, Val-Or, he was compelled to say the truth to Perry that his cigars smelled like a garbage dump to him.

In the Bronze Age in a Private Life of Clark Kent story, he bought a smoking jacket and a complete set of smoking paraphernalia, thinking he might be missing something that smokers enjoyed.  He earnestly tried to smoke the cigarette for several panels.  Then, he came up coughing out the vile fumes with a look of the greatest disgust I've ever seen Swan/Anderson put on his face.  One of his thoughts was if his lungs weren't invulnerable, they'd be curdled.

Superman does not enjoy smoking.

Anyway, smoking is an acquired habit forced more by peer pressure than actual enjoyment.  I myself have tried to smoke on two occasions and had the exact same reaction as Kal-El.  It must be much worse for him since his super-senses amplify his perception of every little toxin in that smoke.  And his super-intellect makes him acutely aware of how bad this stuff is.

[NotSuper]

I know exactly what I'd do. First, I'd use the powers selfishly to do whatever I want. After a while I'd feel guilty and start using the powers in a more altruistic fashion. I'd probably end up completely changing the world, like Miracleman did.

On the flipside, I wouldn't really trust anyone else with that kind of power--unless they were completely unselfish, like Superman.

[Super Monkey]

To be brutally honest, I would try to help as many people as I could, but unlike Superman I would also help myself as well.

[NotSuper]

To be brutally honest, I would try to help as many people as I could, but unlike Superman I would also help myself as well.

I think most people would do the same thing. That's part of what makes Superman special. He's arguably the most altruistic super-hero ever.

[TELLE]

If I were Superman, I'd do all the things Superman does.

If I had the powers of Superman, I'd turn into some sort of super-Luthor.

[nightwing]

I'd fly every place on Earth I haven't yet been but always wanted to go.  And after I'd absorbed all of that, I'd leave Earth behind and travel trackless space looking for new sights and experiences.

I certainly wouldn't waste any time being Clark Kent.  Having been human 40 years already, I wouldn't put up with it any longer. :-)